Dealing with Disappointment

So it turns out a lot can happen in a year and a lot can be lost.

Many are struggling with the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic. Many are grieving and experiencing loss.

There is loss on so many levels for so many people: the young people whose exams were cancelled and then the prom and the parties and then there was no school for months; the small business owner whose shop has been shut up for almost a year; the grandparents who have not met the new baby; Grandma in the nursing home who has had no visitors; lonely people living alone and alone night after night; those who have lost their jobs, their livelihoods, their sense of financial security. Those who suffered with Covid 19 and have lost their health and fitness.

And, of course, those who have lost their lives and their loved ones.

It’s important to be able to say “that was tough and I’ve had enough” and not to make comparisons and say, for example, “it was a lot worse in World War Two.”

Losing control

For many of us the greatest loss of this year has been a loss of control, or rather the sense of being in control (because we are never actually in control really, control is always an illusion). For Many of us, our western urban culture has fed this notion of control. Unless something personally traumatic happens (like a death or a cancer diagnosis etc), life is somewhat predictable and we make new year plans and follow through on these plans year after year. When Covid 19 struck and a world pandemic announced, it was not only the case that we could make no personal plans, our globalised world stood still.

Disappointment happens where our plans and aspirations are unfulfilled, where we had expectations that life would be different. Fear easily develops around any sense of uncertainty as to the future or unmet desire. Disappointment may be related to the present related or it may feel much more lasting and deep for people such as the grief of childlessness.

Where we go with our disappointment

One of the effects of deep disappointment or a sense of a loss of control is that we feel powerless. When people feel powerless, we often grab for control. We start to blame others -the politicians, the behaviour of others or we grab for a magic pill in denial: “It will be over by Easter, it’s just like the flu etc”.

For others, it means heading down a track of obsessive behaviour to try to feel more in control, watching the news non-stop or exercising like crazy. And for some, deep disappointment – where we had expectations that it would be totally different can lead to a downcast soul and depression.

As humans we have a tendency to live future-orientated so we think in terms of fulfiled desires; our destiny, plans accomplished. When any of this is threatened life can feel very uncertain. But spiritual formation, our life having significance, our relationship with God, is all about a journey. A deep relationship and not a destination. We realise this more as we age in life.

Most of us have experienced loss in life. Some have experienced great loss –suffering that Jesus suffered and bled for. But disappointment that builds a case against God is very dangerous and can sever our connection to Him which is actually our life and healing.

There is a bedrock to our theology that is fundamental to our wellbeing: God is Good. Always Good. All of the time.

The only way to experience this and to realise this is to come to Him. And be honest before Him. Have it out. It’s deeply personal. Tell Him how you feel. Pour out your heart. Own your pain: “It looked to me God like you let me down, I don’t understand, it feels like you didn’t back me up”.

God is big enough for this. But don’t back away there, wait there for Him to be with you, Wait there for Him to love you, wait there for Him to speak to you. In lament, we wait for Him. The enemy will do everything to feed a case against God. Don’t be fooled.

Bring Him the pain, be honest, but don’t walk away then.

Walking through the disappointment

Denial is never good news but nor is grief without hope. Lament allows us to feel, to express emotion, it’s a huge part of the healing process. Unacknowledged disappointment can lead to deep bitterness. But as Christians we mourn with someone, not alone. We mourn as community with each other and we mourn with God.

In Mark 16 the disciples were unable to recognise Jesus, they missed him as they were stuck in mourning. Mourning had led to unbelief, but Jesus brought revelation and truth to them and ultimately set them free.

He can do the same for you and me.

We have this certain hope like a strong, unbreakable anchor holding our souls to God himself. Hebrews 6:19 TPT

BLOG AUTHOR: Marjorie Allan

Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash